Listen Here Brother Have You Heard of Finna Nut I Funny

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Grand Theft Auto V (2013 Video Game)

Michael De Santa: You forget a thousand things every day, pal. Make sure this is one of 'em.

Michael De Santa: You... are a hipster!

Trevor Philips: What?

Michael De Santa: You're a hipster.

Trevor Philips: I hate hipsters.

Michael De Santa: Classic hipster denial.

Trevor Philips: I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!

Michael De Santa: Hipsters love saying they hate hipsters.

Trevor Philips: Well, I really fucking do!

Michael De Santa: Self hatred. Common hipster affliction.

Trevor Philips: Only because I'm living out here away from the Bean Machines, and the bankers?

Michael De Santa: You're gentrifying. Soon, the skinny jeans will show up, then the skinny lattes, and then the bankers. And you'll be somewhere else starting the cycle all over again. Maybe you're not a classic garden variety hipster, but you're what the hipsters aspire to be. You, Trevor, are the proto-hipster.

Trevor Philips: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't agree with what you're saying. You're talking bullshit. And you're trying to wind me up. But I'm very, very angry, and I want this conversation to stop right away.

Michael De Santa: Hipster.

Trevor Philips: Fuck you! Fuck you, Michael! Say it again!

Michael De Santa: I've made my point. I'm not a sadist.

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?

Michael De Santa: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.

[from trailer]

Michael De Santa: Why did I move here? I guess it was the weather. Or the... Ah, I don't know, that thing. That magic. You see it in the movies. I wanted to retire. From what I was doing, you know? From that, that... line of work. Be a good guy for once, a family man. So, I bought a big house. Came here, put my feet up, and thought I'd be a dad like all the other dads. My kids, would be like the kids on TV, we play ball and sit in the sun... But well, you know how it is.

Simeon Yetarian: You tell me exactly what you want, and I will very carefully explain to you why it cannot be.

Franklin: What?

Trevor Philips: You can jerk me off if I get bored. I'm kidding! You can suck me off.

Michael De Santa: [during a robbery] Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!

Michael De Santa: Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.

Franklin: Damn straight.

Elwood O'Neil: [over phone] Trevor Philips.

Trevor Philips: Elwood O'Neil, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you!

Elwood O'Neil: Trevor, it's business.

Trevor Philips: That wide-eyed idiot was mine!

Elwood O'Neil: It's business, fella! You wanna discuss it, we're at the farm! Ernie, Earl, Walton, Wynn, Dale, Doyle, Daryl, Dan - all of us!

Trevor Philips: Start writing those names on tombstones, 'cause I'm on the way to your lab, and we're going to see how much of a family meth business you got when I'm done!

[hangs up and growls]

Trevor Philips: All! Of! You! Are! Going! To! Die!

Trevor Philips: I asked for a fair day's pay for a fair day's work. Well, he kinda got a little angry. So, I admit, I kinda got a little angry too.

Michael De Santa: Did you kill him?

Trevor Philips: What kinda fucking animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him!

[Michael sighs with relief]

Trevor Philips: But I did kidnap his wife.

Trevor Philips: I'll swing by and sign the contracts, alright? Just ignore the bodies!

Lamar Davis: I'm getting my money in the hood, I'm straight, fool. I'm cool!

Franklin: You cool? Cool what? Slinging dope and throwing up gang signs?

Wade Herbert: There's two Michael Townleys living in LS. One is 83 and the other is in kindergarten. I asked the teacher to put him on the phone just to be safe. She threatened to call the cops. I ain't no molester, Trevor.

Trevor Philips: Shut up before I molest you, alright.

Trevor Philips: Is that sarcasm?

Michael De Santa: Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few weeks ago, I was happily retired, sulking by my swimming pool, and my psychotic best friend shows up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! Forgive me, you ignorant fuck, but sarcasm is all I've fucking got! Sarcasm, and a room full of you cunts!

Franklin: [as he, Michael and Trevor stand over Devin Weston, bound and gagged in a trunk] My bad, homie. I picked C. Ain't that a bitch?

Wade Herbert: I looked through the phone directory, and I did find a Michael De Santa. About the right age, married with two kids.

Trevor Philips: What's his wife's name?

Wade Herbert: Amanda.

Trevor Philips: Amanda? You're a genius, you moron. Come on, come here.

[offers his hand to help Wade up, only to punch him down again]

Trevor Philips: Don't you ever not tell me things I wanna know!

Michael De Santa: What a shit show. I'll tell you what, you could take this desert, and stick it. My life may be a world of pain, but from here on out it's gonna be cool, comfortable, air-conditioned pain.

Franklin: Fuck man, you know how it is, homie. You just start running and shit. Then all of a sudden your legs give in and you just can't run no more.

Jimmy De Santa: Like, the other day, he posted a picture of his newborn, and I'm all like, "damn, son, that's one ugly-ass motherfucker of a baby. My balls is prettier than that baby," and I sent him a picture of my balls. Then I said, "I've seen roadkiller prettier than that baby. The hell is wrong with your baby?" and he's all like, "there's a problem with its chromosomes and it's actually a miracle it survived birth," and I'm all like, "it's actually a miracle I survived looking at a picture of its ugly..."

Michael De Santa: ENOUGH! Okay? E-fucking-nough!

Michael De Santa: [Ending A; Trevor burns alive and then perishes in a fiery explosion] You always liked gasoline, Trevor!

Franklin: Man, that was your best fucking friend!

Michael De Santa: [walks away] Fuck you. Aahh! You know what, tough guy? It's... it's time you grow the fuck up.

[anguished]

Michael De Santa: I mean, I admit I'm a bad piece of work. But that guy? That piece of shit! No boundaries. No sense of when to back off. No nothing! Twenty four seven insanity! Day in and day out! All the time! Never regretted nothing. Never cared for nothing. Well, fuck him. I mean... there's gotta be a limit, kid. You know? A point where even assholes like us say enough is e-fucking-nough. Human stew... that's my limit. I know that now.

Franklin: I guess that's that then.

Michael De Santa: You know, Devin, the way I see it, and hey, I'm no intelligent businessman like you. But the way I see it, there's two great evils that bedevil American capitalism of the kind you practice: Number one is outsourcing. You paid a private company to do your dirty work, and then you under paid that company because you thought you were big enough and bad enough that you didn't have to play by the rules. Oh, number two: off-shoring your profits.

Trevor Philips: Off-shore?

Michael De Santa: Oh, it's horrible. You wouldn't want to be sent off-shore just to save a little money, would you, T?

Trevor Philips: Oh, no, I wouldn't.

Michael De Santa: Franklin?

Franklin: Oh, nah. I ain't goin' nowhere.

Michael De Santa: But we know your opinions on the matter, Devin. Keep your problems the fuck out of America, huh?

Trevor Philips: In this instance, when he puts it like that, it makes sense.

Michael De Santa: Of course it does. Hey, Devin, goodbye, my old friend. Thanks for all the advice.

Franklin: Buh-bye.

Trevor Philips: [showing Floyd his dick] Mine ain't nothin' special, but this boy gets the job done.

[from trailer]

Michael De Santa: I'm rich, I'm miserable - I'm pretty average for this town.

Trevor Philips: [intentionally running into somebody] Oh, by the way, that's entirely your fault.

Michelle: [holding a flashlight while interrogating a prisoner] Next, I'll have this thing so far up your ass, your tonsils will be playing shadow puppets.

Ortega: What the fuck, Trevor?

Trevor Philips: This *is* the fuck, my soggy friend! You are out of business. The Lost MC are out of business. The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Philips Enterprise, or they ain't going!

Trevor Philips: [looking out over Los Santos] So Michael, this is where dead men come back to life. It's been nearly ten years. But you'll keep for another day or so huh, old friend? You motherfucking fuck! I grieved for you! You weren't even fucking dead. You were my best friend. Well guess who's coming to shit on your doorstep, you fuck!

Lamar Davis: Wassup, can a loc come up in your crib?

Franklin: Man, fuck you. I'll see you at work.

Lamar Davis: Ah, nigga, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, nigga. Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on your dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Tanisha'll call your dog-ass if she ever stop fuckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she fucking with. Nigga...

Franklin: What?

[from trailer]

Michael De Santa: You know, I've been in this game for a lot of years and I got out alive. If you want my advice - give the shit up.

Trevor Philips: You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.

Michael De Santa: I've got news for you, I was always a turd.

Trevor Philips: No! You weren't, man, you were something, but now, man, yeah, you're like this place, you're shell.

Michael De Santa: Go fuck yourself. Are you some kind of pure, morally justifiable asshole? What, because you're... You're totally psychotic, somehow it's okay?

Trevor Philips: I'm honest, alright? You're the hypocrite.

Michael De Santa: Oh, yeah, you're a fucking hero. So far above it all.

Trevor Philips: Oh, yeah? Well I'm not above ripping open your fucking chest to see what's replaced your heart!

Michael De Santa: Rip it open, see what's there, baby, 'cause I'm ready!

Jimmy De Santa: [Michael is sitting on the couch watching a movie while Jimmy is upstairs playing Righteous Slaughter 7] Dude, do you even have a penis? Or are you one of those hermaphro-dudes born without genitals?

[Michael turns up the TV, but can still overhear Jimmy's remarks]

Jimmy De Santa: You suck cock for fun, only secretly, and then you feel bad about it.

Michael De Santa: [turns off TV and marches upstairs] God dammit. Jimmy! God dammit. The fuck you doin'?

Jimmy De Santa: Nothing.

Michael De Santa: Really? Because I keep hearing "hermaphrodite" this and "suck cock" that...

Jimmy De Santa: Go away.

Michael De Santa: What?

Jimmy De Santa: Go watch your linear entertainment. Go watch porn. Just go away.

Michael De Santa: Fuck, you lazy shit.

[picks up chair and smashes TV screen with it]

Michael De Santa: Fuck you!

Jimmy De Santa: What the fuck?

Michael De Santa: Disrespectful little asshole!

Trevor Philips: Who is this guy using my dead friend's tired-ass movie quotes with my dead friend's alias? And my dead friend's family? In a house that must have been paid for by my dead friend's stashed millions?

Wade Herbert: Wow, that's a real mind fuck.

Trevor Philips: Yeah, I'll show you a fucking mind fuck. I'm gonna stick my boy in your eye, it's gonna come out your ear!

Wade Herbert: I-I-I didn't mean anything by that, T... T-Trevor.

Trevor Philips: Lube up your eye hole, fucker, 'cause I'm gonna fuck your tiny mind! I'm about ready to turn you into roadkill!

Wade Herbert: Please, don't turn me into anything. I just wanna be Wade.

Franklin: [they just killed Devin Weston, along with all their other enemies] Now what?

Michael De Santa: Now to keep a low profile and get on with our lives.

Trevor Philips: As friends.

Michael De Santa: What, do I have a choice?

Trevor Philips: No, not really.

Michael De Santa: Alright, then. As flawed, awful, totally uncomfortable, poorly matched friends. Absolutely.

Trevor Philips: Well that's perfect, then we can get back to the kind of capitalism we practice.

Franklin: Shit, I don't know how much more better that is than Devin's kind.

Michael De Santa: Ooh, hypocrisy, Franklin. Civilization's greatest virtue.

Trevor Philips: Jesus, your therapist has a lot to answer for.

Michael De Santa: I know. I still hate myself. But at least I know the words for it now.

Trevor Philips: Yeah, but I hate you and I know the words for it. Does that mean I don't have to go to therapy?

Trevor Philips: So, we ready to go on this?

Wade Herbert: Yep, although Floyd don't think it's a good idea meetin' at the condo...

Trevor Philips: Tell Floyd it's a great idea to meet at the condo, and tell him we'll need chips and dip and prostitutes.

Trevor Philips: [stomping Johnny Klebitz to death] Fucking shit, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to? Who? Who? I'm talking to you huh? You fuck! Next time don't get in my fucking face! I just saw a fucking ghost and I gotta hear your crap? Get up! Get up! Fuck you then.

Trevor Philips: Amanda, you used to be fatter. Nice new tits, by the way.

Trevor Philips: I know why they call'em handlers, 'cause they handle like a dream.

Floyd Herbert: This ain't a toy, sir. It's heavy machinery.

Trevor Philips: Thank fuck I'm high as a kite.

Floyd Herbert: You should not be operating this vehicle while under the influence.

Trevor Philips: I'll operate YOU under the influence if you're not careful.

Lamar Davis: [Lamar, Franklin and Trevor are cautiously approaching a house operated by a rival gang to buy drugs. A dealer approaches the door] Courier service. Package to collect.

Dealer: You got the grip?

Lamar Davis: [Opens a duffel bag to reveal a large amount of money] Present and accounted for.

[the dealer slowly goes back inside]

Lamar Davis: You like that, huh?

Dealer: [Re-emerges with a brick of cocaine] Sample?

Lamar Davis: Now we talkin'!

[the dealer gives him a line of cocain off the edge of his knife, and Lamar snorts it with approval]

Lamar Davis: Huh-huh-huh! My throat gettin' numb already!

Franklin: So we good, nigga, right? Well, let's go!

Trevor Philips: How 'bout a taste?

Franklin: No, man! We leavin'!

Trevor Philips: I want a taste of the other side of the brick.

Dealer: No, you heard what your boy said; you leavin'!

Trevor Philips: [Reaches for the brick, which the dealer tries to pull away] Hey, gimme, gimme that! Gimme that... back!

[They snap the brick in half, revealing it's filled with drywall]

Trevor Philips: Woah...

Franklin: What the fuck?

Trevor Philips: [Furious] Did we ask for a key... or a fucking ounce?

Lamar Davis: Man, that's motherfuckin' drywall!

Dealer: [to hidden thugs] Hey, we got some motherfucking buyer's remorse out here!

[Hides in the house]

Trevor Philips: You can't fucking hustle a hustler!

Trevor Philips: It's like... pornography or a perfect turd. I can't quite describe it, but I'll know it when I see it.

Trevor Philips: [handing her cash] Hey, darling, why don't you go get yourself something nice?

Aunt Denise: Oh, thank you!

[pause]

Aunt Denise: This is only seven dollars...

Trevor Philips: I said something nice, not expensive! You wanna be a greedy fuckin' cow? Huh? No, now get the fuck outta here!

Michael De Santa: Arrgh!

Franklin: Hey, what's the problem, dog?

Michael De Santa: Steve fucking Haines!

Franklin: Of course it's Steve fucking Haines. It's always Steve Haines.

Lester Crest: That is not strictly true. It's either Steve Haines or it's Trevor, or it's his family. It's always one of them.

Michael De Santa: Yeah, that's true. It is always one of them. I'm a fat old fuck with a horrible family and even worse friends. I told you, Franklin, I ain't a good role model. Period.

Franklin: Yeah, whatever, dog. It's either this or dealing dimebags. The bullets come crackin' at yo ass either way.

Trevor Philips: [hitting another car] This car is going to be parked outside YOUR house.

Michael De Santa: [Lester's factory is devoid of all personnel except for Lester] What's going on?

Lester Crest: Oh, just enjoying a little labor dispute. See, we're about to do something really, really bad, and so I need to present myself as a proper textile magnate. So...

Michael De Santa: So you stopped making anything?

Lester Crest: Nothing looks more suspicious in America than someone who's actually prepared to make something.

Floyd Herbert: You gotta go, both of you. My girlfriend, she'd kill me if she knew I had guests.

Trevor Philips: Not much of a girlfriend if she don't like your family. Now would you get me a fucking drink? I'm not gonna ask you again!

Lester Crest: For a couple of mid-west stick-up artists, you guys sure have become a pair of whiny, west coast DOUCHEBAGS!

Franklin: What the fuck is wrong with the west coast?

Lester Crest: Oh, nothing. I love it here. Everyone's so numbed by the sun that if you use a three-syllable word, they think you're a professor.

Franklin: Man, fuck you.

Trevor Philips: [yelling] Yeah, fuck you, you high and mighty weasel! And you don't talk down to these fucking idiots!

Michael De Santa: Hey! Leave Lester alone.

Trevor Philips: Oh, oh you and Lester together? Oh now that makes fucking sense!

Franklin: Oh for fuck's sake, man. You all are assholes. Man, I gotta go calm down, homey. This shit was real illuminating.

[walks away]

Michael De Santa: Franklin, I'm sorry. Come on back, have a beer or something.

Harold 'Stretch' Joseph: [about Franklin] This motherfucker gettin' on my goddamned nerves!

Lamar Davis: The nigga get on my nerves too, man. Part of the nigga charm, man.

Dave Norton: Some of the government... some of it is pretty corrupt.

Trevor Philips: [Trevor, Franklin and Michael do the 'see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil' pose] Not your bit, right?

Dave Norton: Yes, but we're corrupt in a good way.

Nervous Ron Jakowski: You see, my buddy, my friend, my mentor and my new life... We'll just call him Philip. Philip Trevors. Yes, his name's Philip. When my friend Trevor, uhh, my friend Philip... he's such a guy, a man. I really wanna get him on my show but man, he doesn't want to. Even left his message.

Trevor Philips: Ron. Ron, you there? You better not put me on your show you fucking prick or I will drink the blood from your still pumping veins!

Trevor Philips: The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Phillips Enterprises... or they ain't going!

Trevor Philips: [to Franklin as they get in a truck] Seatbelt. Serious.

Lester Crest: That little college boy, sack of shit, phony fuck!

Michael De Santa: Who? Jay Norris?

Lester Crest: Yes. That fuck is a lying bastard. I've read his fucking e-mails. He's a fucking cheat.

Michael De Santa: I heard him say he saved America.

Lester Crest: What? By outsourcing all the jobs? By selling us little bits of plastic, restricted access shit? Well, now it's payback time, you lying turd.

Trevor Philips: [after Michael spares the armored car guard and gives him a block of gold] Going as soft as that old, flaccid boy in your pants. This divorce couldn't come soon enough!

Steve Haines: The problem with this job is I only get to know the criminals who are dumb enough to get themselves caught.

Michael De Santa: Only I didn't get myself caught. Remember? I turned myself in.

Steve Haines: That makes you doubly dumb.

Trevor Philips: You know, Franklin, if there's one thing that you're gonna learn from being around us...

Michael De Santa: Plead fuckin' insanity. Then they can't fry ya.

Trevor Philips: You're back, man. WE are back. All we gotta do is bust out Brad and then we're golden, man! Franklin, he makes us multicultural. Lester makes it cyber. We're like modern America. We just get ourselves a gay friend, and BAM!

Nervous Ron Jakowski: And when I was growing up, we had nine planets. Now it's eight. Where did the other one go? I mean, that is some shit! When you can be the government, you can make a planet disappear. Where did they put it? And who's living there?

[Part of ending C: Trevor is driving a car with Devin locked in the trunk who'd been kidnapped from his home while under the protection of Merryweather]

Devin Weston: You know, you're a, you're a resourceful guy getting past those trained killers. I need someone like you in my organization.

Trevor Philips: The CEO position's going to be vacant real soon, Slick.

Devin Weston: I've got nothing against you apart from the obvious hygiene issues. Michael caused me problems, so Michael had to go.

Trevor Philips: You're looking at it rationally - there are people who are useful to you and people who ain't, and the people who ain't got to go. Me, I'm not rational. I don't care if you're useful or not. I feel like taking you out, Devo, so that's what I'm doing.

Devin Weston: This is a serious offer! Work for me, you'll have everything you've ever wanted.

Trevor Philips: All I've ever wanted is to watch you drift in and out of consciousness as you're slowly disemboweled.

Devin Weston: Yes! Yes! That's the kind of creativity I need on my team. Come on, come on, let me out of here.

Trevor Philips: Look, I got my own company - Trevor Philips Industries.

Devin Weston: Oh yeah, a fellow entrepreneur. Let me buy a stake, give you money to grow.

Trevor Philips: I don't know if you heard, but I'm kind of gold rich right now. So you got precisely nothing to offer. Prepare for the end, my friend.

Trevor Philips: [Trevor drives up to an abandoned lot where Franklin is waiting with a gun hidden behind his back] Hey, man. How you doing?

Franklin: Shit, I'm good, T. And you?

Trevor Philips: Peachy. I know what this is about

Franklin: You do?

Trevor Philips: Course. It's Michael! You're the peacemaker. Well, I ain't havin' it, alright? I ain't havin' it. Maybe when the heat dies down, but this, nah, I ain't havin'. I mean, that's it, right? Huh? Wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

Franklin: But Michael ain't the problem.

[pulls his gun on him]

Franklin: T, I like you. You scare the shit out of me sometimes. You creep me the fuck out. But... but the way I see it, the way anyone normal would see it, not that any of this shit is normal. Man, you gonna get us all fuckin' killed.

Trevor Philips: You're gonna whack me? Huh? Me? I ain't been nothing but straight and true with you.

Franklin: I'm sorry, man. You have been true with me. But the truth ain't what I'm interested in.

Trevor Philips: [drives off] You fucking Judas! You're just like him!

Trevor Philips: [hitting another car] You wanna end up in the trunk of this thing?

Devin Weston: Look, people used to like films. Now they like what? Videoing themselves beating off on their iFruit phones. Don't blame me.

Trevor Philips: [chasing a train on a dirt bike] Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga!

Lester Crest: Here, take this, err, fashionably retro, weird-for-a-forty-five-year-old-man-but-I-cannot-let-go-of-the-1980s bag, and dress yourself up like a billionaire math genius with low level Asperger's.

Wade Herbert: I heard lot's of bangin', and screamin', but not the nice kind.

Trevor Philips: They damaged my stuff. They smash up my home. Damage my soul. Look at this... This, this, this, this statue here of Impotent Rage. This fucking meant more to me than Johnny K meant to anyone! And they smashed it! Those pathetic, midlife crisis, hog-riding, shaven-headed, fruity leather-chap-wearing fucking assholes!

Michael De Santa: Alright... the fuck is this bullshit? We handled your little immigration problem or whatever the fuck it was. We're straight.

Steve Haines: Oh absolutely... yeah, yeah. You killed people, you tortured people, committed a litany of other crimes... Oh we're so straight you and me, we're arrows.

Trevor Philips: I am diversification personified... or personification diversified.

Michael De Santa: My wife got screwed by a yogi. And now I'm getting screwed by a yogi? Fuck that! I'm a producer! Nobody fucks with my film!

Trevor Philips: [about Devin Weston] "Stay spiritual" he says. I hope he believes in an after-life.

Dave Norton: The shit's about to hit the fan.

Michael De Santa: Our entire lives together have been nothing but a series of fans and shits.

Franklin: Look, man, you two motherfuckers terrify me of that middle-age.

Michael De Santa: You're right to be afraid, Franklin.

Franklin: Yeah.

Michael De Santa: [theatrically] Be very afraid, Franklin.

[Franklin rides off on his motorcycle as Michael gets into his car]

Michael De Santa: I'll tell you one thing, T. I'm gettin' too old for this nonsense.

[drives off, as Trevor awkwardly walks out of frame]

Harold 'Stretch' Joseph: I know some sweet boys in the pen that got bigger balls than you.

Franklin: Oh, you been doin' your time lookin' at sweet boy balls?

Michael De Santa: [waltzes into the apartment] You got another one of those, Harvey?

Harvey Molina: Who are you?

Michael De Santa: A guy with your best interests at heart. I'll fill your pockets with money and all you gotta do is take a little vacation.

Harvey Molina: Hey, I work two jobs, man. I'll take any break I can get.

Michael De Santa: Good.

Harvey Molina: You want the beer?

Michael De Santa: No, just the coveralls. Oh, and your I.D.

Harvey Molina: It's in there.

Michael De Santa: [takes duffle bag] Oh, and Harvey, I probably don't need to say this, but you don't play ball, I'll be forced to do something I really don't wanna do. Enjoy your beer.

[leaves]

Dave Norton: [Michael calls Dave after the shootout at the Kortz Center] You made it!

Michael De Santa: I saved you again, Davey. Again! So what are you gonna for me about Steve, the FIB, the IAA and everyone else?

Dave Norton: History is written by the living, okay? We can pin most of it on Agent Sanchez. If I get that story right, then the Agency and Bureau will back off. The problem we need to deal with is Trevor.

Michael De Santa: Trevor? Why?

Dave Norton: Try Merryweather, Chinese gangsters, general insanity and so on. I can spin Steve you're controllable, but not Trevor.

Michael De Santa: Steve?

Dave Norton: He's our wounded hero right now. I've gotta cozy up to him, calm him down.

Michael De Santa: Just get me out!

Trevor Philips: [flying back from North Yankton. Phone rings] Trevor Philips Industries.

Mr. Cheng: Mr. Philips, this is Wei Cheng. You know my eldest son, Tao.

Trevor Philips: Yeah, the X nut. Back out of a contract we agreed on. How is he?

Mr. Cheng: Still learning the ropes. Thank you. My friends missed you in North Yankton. I was hoping we could talk.

Trevor Philips: Oh, was that your people?

[in mock Chinese accent]

Trevor Philips: Oh, 'course. so sorry I hadta cut out.

Mr. Cheng: Your operation causes problems for me. I want to expand into Blaine County. But your business and your temperament prevent me from making inroads.

Trevor Philips: Oh, well, too bad. I don't know what you can do 'bout that.

Mr. Cheng: I've already done something. We have your lover.

Trevor Philips: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my lover?

Mr. Cheng: Michael De Santa. You live in your trailer together, with the maid. And then you were alone in that big house. Why you're clearly very close. How much will you give up for his safety?

Trevor Philips: Ha. My lover? Yeah, right. That's a tough break. I'd never want to double cross a friend and put him in danger, but you gotta do what you gotta do. My business ain't goin' anywhere.

Mr. Cheng: I am serious about this. He will die!

Trevor Philips: Tell him I love him dearly.

[hangs up]

Trevor Philips: [stripped down in his underwear chasing MaryAnn on his bike] Mmmm, just think of all the angry revenge sex!

MaryAnn Quinn: [as she rides off on her bike] I am NOT having sex with you! Get that through your thick head!

Trevor Philips: Ah, okay! Just jack me off into a cup, slap me around. WE GOT OPTIONS, BABY!

Mrs. Philips: [looking around his trailer] You done well for yourself...

Trevor Philips: [stutters] Wh- what? What are you... doing here?

Mrs. Philips: [turn to face him] Is that how you greet your mother, Trevor?

Trevor Philips: [stutters] I-I-I-I-I didn't know they let you out!

Mrs. Philips: So you never wrote to me? You never visited...

Trevor Philips: W-Well...

Mrs. Philips: I bet you never found a girl!

[pause]

Mrs. Philips: Tell me, Trevor... are you gay?

Trevor Philips: [stutters] No...

Mrs. Philips: Is that what this is all about?

Trevor Philips: No!

Mrs. Philips: I wouldn't care! In fact I've always wanted a gay son. A son who wouldn't forget about his mother.

Trevor Philips: BUT, MA...

Mrs. Philips: "But, Ma!" "But, Ma!" "BUT, MA!" NOTHING! Not a peep.

[she feels her stomach]

Mrs. Philips: I carried you in here. I fed you, I weaned you, now look at you. You always were an ungrateful, wretched, sniveling sack of shit of a boy! You know it, and I know it! There was always something wrong with you. Ashamed of yourself. Ashamed of me, of your own mother! I've been here for hours, and have you gotten me a drink? Or a cigarette? Or massaged my feet? I'm an old woman and you, in the prime of life! Have you nothing inside?

Trevor Philips: [breaks down and holds her] I AM SO SORRY!

Caller: Yeah, I did like you said on last the show. I've been doing them prepper kegel exercises so I can store rations in my ass once the abduction comes, because we all know that in the prisons of Lord Zapho only the truly prepared will survive. At this particular juncture, in my ass, I got a pound of rice, two energy bars, a commemorative plate, a tiny saw, a deck of cards, an itty-bitty radio, some loose change, a prophylactic, a masonry bit, a first aid kit, a nudie magazine, a carton of cigarettes, some chewing tobacco, a copy of my medical records and a mammogram pillow - 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna sleep on the cold hard cell floor.

Nervous Ron Jakowski: That's great work!

Steve Haines: [confronting Franklin out of nowhere] Whoa. What's up, playa?

Dave Norton: Hello, Franklin.

Franklin: Man, I don't know y'all. We done.

Steve Haines: Hey, we ain't done yet, homie. Not yet.

Dave Norton: Nearly.

Franklin: Man, what the fuck do y'all want me to do? Kill the president? Fuck his wife or something? Or invade some fucking country?

Steve Haines: No, no, something more sensible.

Dave Norton: Something that's got to be done.

Steve Haines: Hey. When the timing's right, you're gonna take old Trevor and put him out to pasture, homie.

Dave Norton: See, Michael will be sensible. But Trevor. Trevor won't be.

Steve Haines: Trevor is a liability that none of us can afford.

Franklin: Man, Trevor saved you. He saved all y'all asses.

Dave Norton: And it's unfortunate.

Steve Haines: Hey, when we give you the word, you're gonna do this thing.

Franklin: Get Michael to do it. Me and Trevor cool, dog.

Dave Norton: Michael can't do it. Trevor won't let him near.

Steve Haines: That's why it's up to you, homie.

Lester Crest: We are about to put the Darwinism back in Social Darwinism, and brother, it's gonna be fun.

Trevor Philips: We shootin' shit up? Sprayin' some motherfuckers? I can drive-by with the best of'em.

Solomon Richards: They say never work with children or animals. Well, I wanna add to that list: never work with actors or directors.

Solomon Richards: [about his new movie] Set in Liberty City. Meltdown! It's all being shot on green screen right out back. We take a look at the financial crisis, and then we boil it all down to a really simplistic battle between two yuppies, with lots of training montages.

Franklin: We can't repo the assets of a dead man, big sittin' chief asshole!

Michael De Santa: It's a foolish man who builds his house in sand, baby.

Franklin: I don't think my boy Matthew was thinking trucks when he wrote that shit.

Devin Weston: If this car were a woman, I'd have to break my twenty-and-under rule.

Joe: Stay outta this, you dumb Canadian!

Trevor Philips: Ooh, you just made this real easy for me.

Joe: There, there on the bikes. Step on it, Trevor! Well now that's an admission of guilt if I ever saw one. Probably cartel members or child molesters.

Michael De Santa: I just watched Devin Weston's legal counsel get juiced in a jet engine.

Solomon Richards: Oh that Molly woman? Oh lord, that's horrible.

Michael De Santa: You have no idea. She panicked, went crazy and ran into it, but I saved the print so we still got our movie.

Solomon Richards: You believed that analog thing? It's all digital. We have back-ups everywhere. I mean we're shooting on greenscreen.

Michael De Santa: Well you could've told me!

Solomon Richards: I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

Michelle: You think we can't do that? We can. It's in our guidelines.

Devin Weston: Molly's highly strung. She's not gonna stop and talk it out with a deranged killer chasing after her.

Michael De Santa: That ain't who I am... today.

Trevor Philips: [about Devin and Molly] I don't understand the deal between you two.

Devin Weston: Yeah? Well I don't understand the deal between you two

[Trevor and Michael]

Devin Weston: either, but you know what? Life is just one long mystery.

Michael De Santa: We're gonna need a crew. I could round up some of the old guys.

Lester Crest: There are no "old guys." Moses, ironically, he found Jesus. All those Irish crazies, they mostly just disappeared. That crew from the south, they all went down. There was... an eastern European guy making moves in Liberty City... nah, he went quiet.

Joe: [about Josef] Fella can't speak TWO words of English, but he KNOWS this is the best country. JESUS!

Trevor Philips: [searching a bar for illegals] Ugh, this is pointless. Everyone in here has done something illegal.

Trevor Philips: Hold on to your pointed hats, we're taking the scenic route.

Franklin: Go toss a salad, Stretch mark-ass bitch.

Steve Haines: [about Devin] That guy gets more tail than a... than a tail-catcher.

Trevor Philips: I'll have to fucking remember that one.

Trevor Philips: I don't know what all these naysayers are talking about. I'm cranked out on speed most of the time, but I am productivity personified.

Nervous Ron Jakowski: You sure accomplished a lot today, Trevor.

Josef: [only time he speaks English] Go car, go now! Go, go, fucker, go.

Franklin: [dog barks] Wait, you talkin' about my kinda bitches or yours?

Trevor Philips: Question my questions again, I'll slit your throat and let you gurgle the answers.

Michael De Santa: Boy, you work hard for your living. Boil it all down for me, how much you think you make per senseless killing? A couple nickels?

Trevor Philips: If you're gonna give me a sob story, I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out and shove a turd down the hole!

Jimmy De Santa: [to Michael] You're, like, finally using your powers of selfishness and rage for, like, good. Not an objective, universal good, but a subjective, what's-in-our-best-interest kind of good.

Lamar Davis: [the only occurrence in the game where Michael and Lamar speak to each other; Michael is sitting on a bench at the beach as Franklin and Lamar walk by him] Excuse me, homie, can you tell me where Bertolt Beach House is?

Michael De Santa: No, homie, I cannot.

Franklin: Man, would you come on? Fuck.

Michael De Santa: [stands up] Actually, yeah. That house right there with the yellow stairs.

Lamar Davis: Good lookin' out, homie. Appreciate it.

Caller: Hey, uh, big fan of the show, but I had a question: what's the, uh, what's the deal with Mars?

Lazlow Jones: Well it is the fourth planet from the sun, and its reddish hue is from iron oxide. This is your space moment of Chattersphere.

Caller: I mean, why do we have a dunebuggy up there? I don't even have a dunebuggy. Mars is bullshit.

Duane Earl: Next caller! Inseminate me! No, no, no. That's wrong. Speaketh to me.

Mike: Uhh... Hey there, Duane. My name's Mike, a big fan, big fan.

Duane Earl: I do not care about no-names, boy. You stick your business and I'll do the pontificating, sir.

Duane Earl: Be good, cook until it hurts and fight artificial insemination as it is unnatural and blasphemy! Until next time, I'm Duane Earl and you are not.

Duane Earl: I mean it's getting to when boys have bigger titties than a woman! I know I do.

Lazlow Jones: Tracey is a "dancer", but she also likes acting, modeling and working with children. That's... that's beautiful. You're so original, like a basket full of puppies or a rainbow or a pile of puke.

Lazlow Jones: Please don't kill me, okay? I'm supposed to be on a magazine cover next week.

Lazlow Jones: Don't get me wrong. America's a great land. It proves you can conquer anything with booze and Syphillus, and I've had both.

Michele Makes: And now Los Santos is nothing but coffee shops, banks and pharmacies. So cultured.

Lazlow Jones: So we had to wipe out a few people. I need a Bean Machine coffee! I'm stressed.

Franklin: You definitely got hit up inside.

Harold 'Stretch' Joseph: Hit up? Yo, motherfucker, I know little niggas like you been turned out on the daily. Talking about being hit up, nigga. I swear, man. You ain't got no motherfuckin' respect.

Franklin: Motherfucker, I got respect for reality.

Harold 'Stretch' Joseph: Reality? Alright, alright, you keep thinking that. Just keep thinking that, nigga. Shit, you gon' get yours.

Franklin: Fuck you.

Todd Rosenweig: [while playing golf] Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Trevor Philips: It's a lonely old road, ain't it?

Lamar Davis: Lonely? Eh, I couldn't say. I mean, not really. A road's a road. It ain't got abandonment issues.

Franklin: [stealing a car] Don't make me commit a 187, homey.

Amanda De Santa: Kids, rooms. If you find dead bodies, cheap women, or Trevor Philips, we're checking into the Rockford Hills hotel.

Joe: Hey, I ain't being zealous about this. America is for Americans. That's why it's called America.

Trevor Philips: [to MaryAnn stripped naked down in his underwear] Me the psycho? NO, you are the CRAZIEST FUCKIN' CHICK I'VE EVER MET! I LOVE YOU!

Trevor Philips: I know why they call 'em handlers, 'cause they handle like a dream!

Floyd Hebert: This ain't a toy, sir. It's heavy machinery!

Trevor Philips: Thank fuck I'm high as a kite!

Floyd Hebert: You should not be operating this vehicle while under the influence.

Trevor Philips: I'll operate YOU under the influence if you're not careful!

Trevor Philips: [to Floyd] Hey, whose dick you have to suck to get this job? Being a stevedore used to be back-breaking work, now you're owed brain surgeon bucks to push an oversized shopping cart...

Floyd Herbert: I did not fellatiate no one to get this job. Debra's friends with the... with the...

Trevor Philips: "With the. With the." You didn't fellate nobody, but darlin' Debra probably did. And she probably enjoyed it too.

Mr. Cheng: [in Chinese] Man, I'm high as shit!

Manuel: Hey.

Trevor Philips: I thought they deported you.

Manuel: Why do you care?

Trevor Philips: Oh, I don't. Except that they paid me some money.

Manuel: That must feel good. What a proud patriot you are.

Trevor Philips: So... When are they kicking you out?

Manuel: They can't kick me out, stupid man.

Trevor Philips: Why not?

Manuel: My family has been here two hundred years. I'm more American than you. Not that it's anything to boast about.

Trevor Philips: Well, I'm sorry.

Manuel: Well, at least you got paid.

Trevor Philips: Yeah, well don't get all serious, okay? Anybody can make a mistake.

Manuel: [stands up] Perhaps now you wanna kill me.

Trevor Philips: Yeah, maybe, old man! Maybe not...

Manuel: You and your civil border patrol friends, you're all the same. Ignorant fools trying to protect something that's not even there.

Trevor Philips: They're not my friends.

Manuel: Spend enough time with them...

Trevor Philips: [angry] Yeah, I spend a lot of time with fucking people I don't like, alright? It's one of my favorite hobbies.

Manuel: [digusted] Civil Border Patrol man!

Trevor Philips: [pulls out his gun and points it at Manuel's head] Fuck you! You wanna fuckin' die?

Manuel: [calm] You don't scare me. You owe my family a great debt.

Trevor Philips: [surprised] What?

Manuel: My land is no longer safe.

Trevor Philips: [puts his gun away] It's not my fault!

Manuel: You're so concerned, clean it up for me, your choice. And no, I will not give you one cent.

[hits Trevor in the chest with his newspaper before leaving]

Manuel: Last I heard, your Civil Border Patrol friends were bullying some people east of here at the Zancudo farm. Go left on Ocean Highway, you'll see them.

Trevor Philips: [growling while driving to the Donkey Punch Family Farm] Fucking Civil Border Patrol.

[a radio advertisement for a novel spoofing "Fifty Shades of Grey" is heard]

Male Announcer: Available in all good bookstores now, "Chains of Intimacy" by Terry Bolan. You always criticize guys for looking at porno. This is different. This is erotic literature.

Female Reader #1: I worked hard to be taken seriously as a woman in a man's world. Now I've realized it was all nonsense and all I really wanted was a rich pervert.

Male Announcer: It's time to free yourself from convention by doing exactly what everybody else is doing, reading drivel. And if you enjoy "Chains of Intimacy", pick up the other books in the series: "The U-Bend of Intimacy" and "The Plug of Intimacy".

Female Reader #2: I'm a housewife! God, I'd love for a dashing billionaire to buy me diamonds and piss on me!

Male Announcer: "Chains of Intimacy", by Terry Bolan. Available in all good bookstores now!

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: You HAVE to GIVE yourself AND YOUR MONEY to PUBLIC.. RADIO! You understand? Do I have to BREAK THIS DOWN to you woman? SHUT YO MOUTH!

Radio caller: People in wheelchairs are quitters!

Lester Crest: [after Michael takes a useless photo] What's this of? Fuck all!

Lamar Davis: [the feds had just told Franklin to kill Trevor] Hey, who was that?

Franklin: Nobody. Don't worry about it, nigga.

Lamar Davis: Hey! Ol' flossin' ass nigga.

Michael De Santa: It feels like I'm giving a colonoscopy to the Statue of Happiness.

Steve Haines: Nice change from being up Trevor Phillips' ass all day.

Trevor Philips: Now see that's what Floyd was telling me yesterday as he was starin' at my penis.

Lester Crest: What's the problem, you don't like shooters?

Michael De Santa: They're all the same. Besides, you know me. I'm a movie guy. Classic Vinewood.

Lester Crest: Classic Vinewood ended 30 years ago. Now it's just superheroes, romantic comedies and remakes. None of which interest me.

Michael De Santa: Hey, I believe this country can still make interesting movies. There's no better way to define American life than a two hour plot in which the hero looks good and defeats evil.

Lester Crest: Whatever. Enjoy yesterday.

Solomon Richards: Anton, my boy, you're an artist. I know that. And this story is the best kind of art! a simplistic, cliche-ridden pile of dross that you will turn into magic. Get a grip. I love ya.

Solomon Richards: Michael, they're fucking us! The suits... and they don't even wear suits.

Rickie Lukens: PM's pushing for more functionality, but we are maxed. I mean, if anything, we have to strip features. Especially if we plan on releasing a fully priced update a year later.

Devin Weston: Devin Weston, master of the two-hour female orgasm.

Trevor Philips: Well, I'm so glad you proud patriots are out here defending this fine American desert... sand.

Joe: Well thank you...

Trevor Philips: When you could be in town fucking some girls and further destroying the gene pool.

Trevor Philips: Come one, come all, I say. This country has bigger things to worry about.

Joe: Well that's because you've been brainwashed by the secular media. Don't you worry, though, we'll convert you.

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Here, can we just get a quick photo together?

[sits next to Michael and snaps the picture]

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Cheese.

Michael De Santa: What is this?

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: I really think I can't treat you anymore. The fact is... I'm in love with you.

Michael De Santa: [jumps back] The fuck you talking about, Doc?

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Okay, I'm just kidding, that's not true. See? You're learning.

Michael De Santa: What's going on?

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: I think you need a new therapist, and, I'm leaving town. I've got a TV show. I'm gonna be famous.

[sing-songy]

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: I'm gonna be famous! Ha, think of the fucking tail. All those fucking bitches who called me pube head, they'll be lining up to suck it now.

Michael De Santa: [advances menacingly toward Friedlander] You got a TV show? You?

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: [backing toward the door] Uh, best not to think too closely about what I just said. It's not like I'll be using real names. I-I'm really discreet. Bye now.

[leaves office; Michael chases after him]

Trevor Philips: [about Lazlow] That host, man, he's like any closeted TV presenter: bitter as fucking vinegar.

Trevor Philips: This boy, he had all the talent, charisma and guile that a boy could have, but he didn't know what to do with it.

Wade Herbert: He should become a baseball player.

Trevor Philips: No, he shouldn't, because he's not a fucking sell-out idiot.

Wade Herbert: Or a hockey player.

Trevor Philips: He did for a while, but his coach accidentally had a stick jammed up his ass.

Trevor Philips: And her persuaded our hero that maybe he should rob people too. And you know what? Little Trisha did rob people. And little Trisha was good at it.

Wade Herbert: And they lived happily ever after?

Trevor Philips: For a while, until the troll met a another troll in a strip club, and they fell in lust. And he bought her a pair of fake troll tits, even bigger than his real troll tits.

United Paper Man: Put your weapon down!

Steve Haines: Fuck you. We know you Agency boys are balls-deep in a plot to drive up your funding by any means necessary.

Anton Beaudelaire: Listen, I'm still feeling a little keyed up. What do you say I go on a little jolly and call Solomon from wherever I wake up?

Michael De Santa: How about you see him right now, and we go flying again if you even look like you'll fail a piss test at any point on this shoot?

Trevor Philips: [while Jacking a Vehicle] Trust me, you do not wanna carpool with me.

Trevor Philips: [answers phone] Who the fuck is this?

Steve Haines: The guy keeping you out of the gas chamber. Townley's on the way. We need to talk face to face. Warehouse off Dutch London in Banning.

Trevor Philips: Oh, we can do more than talk, my friend.

Trevor Philips: Fuck, let's just go, alright. I ain't gonna let those G-men fucking scumbags tell me what to do.

Mr. K: Then why did you just torture me?

Trevor Philips: Don't ask too many fucking questions.

Fabian Larouche: Amanda, come. I have a new unitard on hold. You must pay for it.

Michael De Santa: Hey, buddy! I'm gonna ask politely that you show my wife a little respect.

Fabian Larouche: Red meat has been blocking your chi, as well as your digestive tract.

Michael De Santa: I ain't even gonna go there. I'm gonna ask you one time. Nicely...

Amanda De Santa: Michael, just hit him. Please!

Michael De Santa: Anything for you, sweetheart.

[grabs a woman's laptop and whacks Fabian over the head with it]

Tao's Translator: [to Trevor] No,don't go! Please, I beg you! If you do, his father kill me!

Trevor Philips: [pauses and shrugs] Why do I give a fuck?

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: Why are you making that noise? It relaxes myself and the ladies. You see, OOOHHHMMMMMMMMM is a scientific frequency that lulls the ladies into a relaxed spiritual place where the brain shuts off, and the thighs go into overdrive!

Cheryl: Let's go to line 4, this guy is really spiritually constipated. He's got an ass full of candy.

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: Dolphins! Swim with them, and communicate with 'em. DOLPHINS ARE DELIVERIN' BABIES, YOU PUNK ASS!

Cheryl: I heard that dolphins molest people.

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: Where'd you hear that, woman? TV? That damn anti-spiritual booty-box will SUCK the life out of you in a minute!

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: I *can't* be understood by you... right? I'm talkin' a foreign LANGUAGE to you. I'm AMAZIN', you understand?

Bobby June: My gopher ribs are so good, one woman accused me of sorcery.

Bobby June: With my kids, I had to teach each of them to beat up their friends and take what they need. Otherwise, they ain't gonna make it in this world.

Bobby June: Did y'all know that in some parts of the country you can, in self-defense, shoot anyone you believe is usin' sorcery on you? Yeah. You gotta stand your ground honey, ain't no witch or warlock gonna tell me what to do!

Bobby June: I don't believe the liberal media. The ones that win awards for journalistic investigatin'. Trash, I call it! I never read the tablets.

Bobby June: Listen, I got the so-called diabetes. Them doctors said my arteries was like cement. I've had three strokes and I am fine, because I don't worry. It's the worry that'll kill you!

Bobby June: Dip 'em in ranch, or blue cheese - a *great* four-o'-clock snack when you're feelin' the blahs, or the blues or the blah-blobs!

Duane Earl: Look for behavioral signs such as incessant mooing but most of all, she will exhibit more vigorous interaction with other females - puttin' her chin on the rump of another cow...

Caller: [panting] Uh huh. Oh yeah! Yeah keep goin'. Tell me about that dirty heffer.

Duane Earl: God dammit...

[switching to Trevor occasionally results in being in the middle of a car chase between Trevor and the police with a 2-star wanted level]

Trevor Philips: Officers! You must admit that at the end of the day, it was only a minor public indecency... followed by resisting arrest... and maybe assaulting an officer in between.

Fernando Martinez: It is not appropriate to tell a sexy lady that her curves make your loins turn to fire. Now you say something sensitive, like: "Have you considered an exciting career in micro-finance? You are very smart!"

Lazlow Jones: Why do people that quit doing stuff always have to tell everyone else? I quit typing in "granny wants it bad" into search engines, and I didn't need any program to tell me to stop that. It just took my mom walking in on me in my 31st birthday.

Brother Adrian: Utilizing completeness I can make you... you. And I can make the you that you are the best you in the whole galaxy of potential yous that are there!

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: That was my time in Tibet. At least I think it was Tibet.

Cheryl: Are you sure it was Tibet?

Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris: Oh, I don't know... some dark place with hills and sheep, and everyone's singing in choirs, and all inbred, and they played a lotta rugby. Things like that. Tibetan stuff, you know.

Nervous Ron Jakowski: Trust me, it's all part of a Judeo-Christian-Muslim plot to make their religions seem overly important.

Trevor Philips: Weed. WEED. I'd rather suck cock than smoke weed, and I've done both.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2103188/quotes/qt1900090

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